It doesn't matter what you say - it matters what is heard

I heard this bit from someone I've been getting to know over the past several months as I go through this venture.

Remember my post about what makes someone smart? Well, he was not one of those mentioned in that post, but so far I've agreed with everything he's said, and therefore, he's smart. Right?

So. Moving on.

The frame of reference for this matters little. But it was during a semantics, lack of communication "you're both saying the same thing" kind of conversation.

And this friend says to me (because I was trying to argue that I was right to be frustrated while at the same time talking myself out of being frustrated):


It doesn't matter what you say - it matters what is heard.

So Anne reads that to mean: it is your fault if he heard it wrong. It means you didn't say it right. Now, that's not really what it means, but at the time, that's what I thought. But I got the point.

I am all about keeping things moving and finding next steps and getting to the point. But if the conversation is going through circles, clearly the parties are not saying the same thing - whether they think they are or not. So, I've decided to start thinking about that during conversations / discussions. And figuring out how I can tweak my responses and questions to keep things moving.

Afterall, if things aren't moving, things aren't happening.

You're never REALLY you're own boss....

A lot of people have asked me if I'm enjoying being my own boss. And doing whatever I want. Yes, I am enjoying the flexibility and the time with the kids.

But the truth is, I'm not my own boss. Yes. I am 'on my own' and 'doing my own thing' and 'doing freelance/contract work'...but I still have people to answer to and clients to work with. And if I don't work to keep them happy, they will find someone else who will.

And it makes me realize - you're never really you're own boss. You're generally always working for someone else. Even when you own your own company. Because if you don't keep other people happy, you won't have a business.

Plain and simple.

No one cares about your business the way you do.

It's true. They may have an interest in what you do. Maybe they use and love your product. And sure - they want to help you. Because they want to help their bottom line, too. I mean, heck, I'm in that business, too.

One of the biggest challenges that I've had during this whole process is the basic one - getting myself set up. Nothing is going fast enough for me.

I met with a lawyer at the end of March - oh, it will only take a couple of weeks, he said. Well, on May 16th, I finally signed my paperwork. Which means that from the end of March until the middle of May, I had a lot of sleepless nights and a lot of stress bumps (huge, massive stress bumps) on my face. 

So what should one do about it? Well, here is what I did, what I'd wish I'd done, and how I can now evaluate whether or not someone is going to act in my best interest.

What I Did
Harassed - but I did it over email, because given my crazy schedule over the last several weeks, it's what I was able to do.



Nailed him down for a time.

If you ask me for a recommendation on a lawyer - you won't get his name from me. And no, I'm not going to put it out there on my blog or anywhere else to smear publicly. But the fact is, he won't be getting any business as a result from his work (or lack there of) with me. 

What I Wish I'd Done
I wish I'd called every single day.

I wish I'd been a complete ass the other day when I met with him and told him how I really felt. But contrary to popular belief, I'm a bit of a softie inside.

Merging Them Together
So how do you make sure someone is working in your best interest? Below are a few signals I suggest to analyze what kind of relationship you're in:


Signal #1. What kind of an interest do they take in your business? I mean, real interest? Is it something they can relate to? Now, not every business has consumer-facing components (thus, B2B, right?). So someone not being able to relate is not always relevant to you. So keep moving down the checklist.

Signal #2.  Are they being proactive or reactive? If someone is truly engaged in your business, likely they are going to be more proactive on driving your success. Because they want you to succeed and do well.

Signal #3. Do they help sell your products? How many referrals are you getting as a result of your relationship? Because it's a two-way street, right?

Signal #4. Do they share competitive insights/activities they see with you? Because if they are engaged in your business, they are keenly aware of your competitive set and notice when they see a competitor doing something interesting or notable. And want to make sure you're aware, too.

Signal #5. Response time. This theoretically could be #1. And, I almost moved it up there. But I realized, that if they take an interest in your product, are proactive, help sell your products and share competitive information, likely the response time is going to be reflective of that.

My frustration with the lawyer was his response time. Fine. Things didn't happen in the timeline I wanted them to. But his inability (or unwillingness) to communicate with me was the frustrating part. So he is clearly unengaged in my needs, and his response time was reflective of that.

I mean. Let's be real. You put what you don't necessarily want or care about to the back burner. It's human nature. The fun stuff comes first. So where do you fall with the businesses you do business with? Back burner? Maybe it's time to re-evaluate things.

Apologies to Media Reps & Sales People Everywhere

To Whom It May Concern:

I apologize for all those times you put so much effort to put together a proposal for me to review - even if I asked for it and I never looked at it or responded to it. I also apologize for asking you to call me back at a more convenient time, and now that I know your number on caller-ID I have no intention of picking up the phone. I am very sorry for all the times I blamed it on budget for the year, but please contact me next year and we'll see if we can work it in. Because I knew then you weren't going to make the plan next year, either. I apologize for all those times that when you did manage to grab me on the phone, I'd roll my eyes and make fun of you after we hung up. I am sorry that I had blank stares during our meetings - even though you brought lunch or cookies or free coffee mugs and mailed me candies and wines for Christmas. I am sorry that I would pass you off to 'someone else on our team' just so I wouldn't have to deal with you. Even though I knew you weren't a good fit for that client either. I apologize I told you that your email got caught up in my 'junk folder'. Even though you & I both know it didn't. I apologize that I'll ask you to forward me what you sent previously, because I'm either too lazy to look for it or I deleted it without opening it previously. I'm sorry that when I get your read receipt request, I say no, but what I really mean is "are you kidding? of course not." I apologize that I have no respect for your time, because you see, my time is just so valuable. I'm also sorry for all those times (when you accidentally get me on the phone) and I say "what about x? I'm sure that's in what you sent" - but you see, I didn't read what you sent me. I just needed you to put it in my  mouth with a spoon. Was that too much to ask?

I really am sorry. And I would have called you to tell you. But I blocked your number from my phone.

Sincerest Apologies,
Anne Decabooter

Where does your sense of fulfillment come from?

Why do I do this to myself?

I left EP to have a more flexible schedule. And I do. But Vince would tell you I'm not working any less than I was. Sure. I'm working differently. And he gently reminds me - I need to get out of the habit of working 40 hours (ha ha) a week.

Why is this such a hard habit for me to break? I have two delicious babies at home. Who need their Mommy and want to be around her, (and under her, on her, near her, attached to her - you get the point). Not to mention the whole loving husband and just household in general piece of it (oh, and then the forgotten dog, God bless her).

But I realized several months ago that most of my sense of fulfillment comes from my work. And the job I do. I put a lot of effort into the work I do, and therefore, I'm very proud of it. This makes breaking the habit of working 40+10+10+5 hours per week even more difficult.

So, I'm finding other things to get my sense of fulfillment from (OK, starting today I will) - gardening, exercising, delicious babies, and husband (and dog - not considered the same person - at least not today). This should help me on the road to not working a gazillion hours a week. Right? Maybe?

Balance, Anne. Balance. It has to be out there somewhere.

Where does your sense of fulfillment come from? Do you need to find other things to help you balance that? Or is it just me?

Procrastinating is not an option.....

I have only had one mental breakdown during this process now going on two months....which given the roller coaster of emotions that has come with this transition, I'd say is pretty good. And the breakdown came as a direct result of positive opportunities. It's a whole new world of time management I'm learning.

I do not procrastinate the way I used to. I can't. I have very little idea what the rest of the day will bring, let alone the rest of the week. So if the time is there to do it, well I have to. Right then and there.

The other week, I had several proposals due (more on that at a later date).....they were due on a Friday, and I was to be out of town Thursday and Friday, and knew my time was limited. The old Anne still would have worked toward cranking them out every free second on Thursday & Friday. The new Anne started cranking them out immediately. First of all, the information was still fresh in my head, so it wasn't near as hard as if I'd waited a couple of days. Secondly, the time I thought I would have - I didn't.

The proposals all got out on time. And I learned a lesson (and not in the hard way, like I'm sure others will come) - procrastinating is not an option for me right now. Get it done.

The best part about this process, was I got all the initial information down and how I wanted to approach it. Which gave me more time for massaging and tweaking, and I put together what I felt were strong, smart proposals. And I was proud of the work.

If You Can't Go With the Flow, Get Out of the Flow

Because - here's the thing. It's going to keep flowing. Have you ever been watering plants or washing your car and you see the water dripping down the driveway into the street? And then maybe put a piece of mulch or pine bark in the middle just trying to see what happens? You know what happens? The water goes around it, and it still goes down the slope.

And that's what I realized today. Things will go the way they're going to go no matter what you do to change it. Now, you may alter the course - or change the way things will go - but it's still going to go that way.  I was so mad at a friend that I couldn't see straight. Because I disagreed with how he approaches business. I disagreed because it's not the way I approach business. And me, being who I am, like the way I approach things and how I handle things. I think it's a great way.

Here's the kicker. More than likely, at the end of the day, the result will be the same. The way we got there will be different, and intensely frustrating for me. But in the middle of venting my frustration (when I really probably shouldn't have), I realized - it's ok. Just go with the flow, Anne. Voice what is out there in a polite manner, put that piece of mulch down if you think it's necessary - but let things flow. And if you don't like it - find something else to do with your time.